Lemonade
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: In an effort to change two of his students, Sarutobi decides to go the spying route. And instead it goes horribly wrong. Crack-fic. Rated T for language and minor sexual innuendo.


Lemonade

_Just wanted to refresh my juices. Not the best fic I've written, I knows. D: But enjoy anyway~ =D_

* * *

It was a peaceful day in the Hidden Leaf Village. The sky was filled with shuriken-shaped clouds, and several teams of ninja had just come back from wrestling a stray panda. Never mind why a panda was around such an uncultured land, he isn't the main focus.

Near one of the sparring grounds designated to keep the common shinobi from having a giant rap sheet, Sarutobi and his students were practicing their skills. He was a wise man, not quite Hokage but not a spring chicken, either. Resting on a tree branch, he watched them wield their freakish power and go at each other with the intention to kill. Jiraiya was his star pupil - reckless, stupid, and white hair filled with dandruff. It used to be Orochimaru who brightened his heart, but perfectionists always bored him, and he gave up on that one. Sarutobi believed that the white-haired boy had potential, even though both Tsunade and Orochimaru could kick his ass with one hand. It was those two who he worried about, however.

After they had finished, Tsunade skipped off with a pair of dice and Orochimaru thumbed through a textbook with amazing speed. Sarutobi shook his head and decided to walk over to Jiraiya. There weren't too many normal children in this day and age now, and Jiraiya was the most "normal" boy he had met. The world had to be spinning backwards.

He tapped the boy on the shoulder. Jiraiya scrunched up his nose. " What's up, Sarutobi-sensei ? "

" I need your help with something. Not R-rated, either. "

Jiraiya nodded and followed his leader to a secluded area in the tree. Sarutobi dangled his legs from the branch, kicking off his sandals at a random passerbyer. That passerbyer would later go rogue and end up in the bingo book, as did most of the people who Sarutobi hit. The boy scrunched up his nose again. " So, Sensei, what do you want my help with ? "

" Your little friends, that's who, " Sarutobi replied.

He lit up a cigarette and huffed on it. Jiraiya's look of confusion deepened. " You can't smack the gay outta Oro-kun. It's embedded in his genes. "

" We already know that. Don't be such a retard. " Another puff. It must've been his millionth puff. A new record. " Look, Jiraiya, you're the only normal person in the group. That's sad. *Beyond* sad. They're freaks. Orochimaru's thirteen, and all he does is read all day and perfect his stupid jutsu. And Tsunade's strong enough to take down three grown men without breaking a sweat. When was the last time you saw makeup on that child ? "

" I dunno. When will her boobs finally start to grow bigger ? "

_SMACK !_

**_" GIRLS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PRETTY ! "_** Sarutobi roared. " And I'm not just thinking that 'cause my girlfriend's such a bitch ! "

" ...you have a girlfriend ? "

" Look, we can discuss my life all day, or you can shut the hell up ! "

". . .fine. What do you want me to do, Sensei ? "

Sarutobi took another puff from his cigarette and flicked the ashes at his pupil. The groans brought him back from a land that was farther than Candyland. He knew he shouldn't have bought his smokes from a street peddler. Those never went well with his stomach. Nevertheless, he took yet another puff and stared at Jiraiya for a few seconds before finally shrugging. " We gotta deal with both of their issues at the same time. You could just get 'em together and we'll evaluate the situation to see what we can do afterwards. Maybe they're not so hopeless. "

Jiraiya shook his head. " No, _you're_ hopeless, Sarutobi-sensei. "

And he hopped off the branch with his sensei trailing behind him.

* * *

" Snake-eyes. Heh-heh, you lose again, Tsunade. "

**_" RAAAGH ! "_**

Cards and cash were thrown in the air. The table that the crowd had gathered around was smashed into bite-sized pieces. As for the crowd, it diminished to nothing in seconds other than the sweatdropping boy who had won...and Tsunade. It definitely wasn't a table-smashing without Tsunade.

She stood up from her seat and left the boy without a word. It was better to accept defeat and smash a table than not accept defeat and smash the boy. The least Tsunade could do was be gracious toward her opponent.

By now the sun was at its strongest, spraying out ultra-hot rays of heat from its center. Tsunade fanned herself and spotted a lone figure sitting on a bench. Long hair, pale skin, reading a book. She rolled her eyes at the recognition. Only someone she'd know would read without even being fazed by unbearable weather. Life was so amusing as a shinobi. " Hey, Orochimaru, you loony ! " she called, waving. " Reading's not going to help your sunburn ! "

Orochimaru looked up and winced. " You know I never burn. I just shed. "

" Yeah, and it's disgusting ! You'll have Sensei's monkey skin within a couple of years ! "

" Shocking. Yes, I know. "

He shut his book and smirked at her. Tsunade cackled, crossing her arms as she strolled over to him. That smirk of his was the closest thing anyone could get to a smile. And it wasn't creepy, either, so it worked out with everyone. Orochimaru placed the book in his knapsack. Another object for the black hole. " I should go do some more research. These books aren't very sufficient. A lot of outdated information. You're welcome to join me if you really want to. "

" I think I'll pass. "

" Suit yourself. "

The boy walked past her without a glance or goodbye. Tsunade's cheeks flared, and she yanked on Orochimaru's wrist before he could walk away. He jolted backward and snapped, glaring at the girl with his scaly eyes. She met his gaze with a cool glance of her own. Ill-tempered as she was, her teammates weren't about to get the best of her, especially him. She yanked him again and frowned. " Hey, it doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with you ! " she snapped. " What if I told you we're on a mission ? "

" I would think you're lying, as usual. "

Tsunade rolled her eyes and cupped her hands over Orochimaru's ear. After a few seconds of whispering, she stood over him to see the reaction. The smirk was back as devious as ever, bloodthirsty and ready to tear itself through a dozen puppies. It was definitely a go. Puppy-eating goodness.

* * *

" What do you got on 'em ? "

" I _told_ you, I lost them forty-five minutes ago ! "

" D-Dammit, Jiraiya, you better find them before I put you back in the hole ! "

" B-"

" I'm not kidding this time. That hole's a got a big spot with your name written in chalk ! "

" Hnnn, yes, Sensei. "

-click!-

Jiraiya dropped his walkie-talkie on a random man walking. That random man would later become an apprentice to one of the guys in the bingo book, but statistics didn't matter. Not to him, anyway. When he was told that he was going on a super-stealthy mission involving spying, Jiraiya thought it was going to be a ton of fun. A heavy pair of nunchucks, maybe a couple of hot babes, all for stalking his teammates.

He spat out a wad of gun and sighed. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sarutobi was still a crafty a-hole. Instead of dancing the Macarena with hot babes, the mission had proven to be a wild goose chase. Tsunade and Orochimaru hopped from one corner of the Leaf Village to another, going from place to place with Jiraiya on their heels, until they were lost in the midst of a clearance sale. All those unisex ascots...it made Jiraiya sick.

With a cold trail, there was nothing else to do besides grab a cold cup of lemonade. The time was right, and a quarter was tucked in his pocket. Jiraiya jumped down from the tree. There usually was a lemonade stand on every sidewalk. There usually weren't two very hot ladies sitting on_ top_ of these stands, though. Very young females, heavy with makeup, one blonde-haired, one dark. Both tied with nosebleeds.

The ladies giggled at his bleeding. Jiraiya almost passed out on the dirt but regained a little composure. He fished out his quarter and handed it to the blonde. " One lemonade, my good maiden. "

" Ha-ha, lemonade ? " the blonde repeated, batting her eyes. " Oh, honey, you look much more deserving than just a lemonade. I'd give you some sake, but the men usually buy _our _drinks. "

She gestured to her companion, who tittered and turned away. Jiraiya absentmindedly clawed for anything else that could produce some quick cash. A quarter, a nickel, pocket lint would even do. " Aren't you a little young to be drinking ? I mean, I'm thirteen, and you ladies can't be much older..."

" Don't worry about us, sweetiecakes. We know better than to mess with that hot stuff. " The blonde pulled him forward to the other side with abnormal strength. Jiraiya blushed as she wiped imaginary dust off his shoulders. " There. Clean as a whistle, huh, honeybun ? "

" Nnn..."

A lemonade was handed to the boy. He chugged it down, taking the occasional glimpse at the girl's partner. She was as pretty as the blonde, with a long ponytail down to her waist and jade-green eyes. A complete mystery, just the kind of gypsy enigma that gave Jiraiya major nosebleeds. Blood gushing down like a waterfall and everything. Noticing this, the blonde replaced her hands on his shoulders and grinned, breathing on his neck. " I see you like my friend. I see she likes you, too, " she murmured. " Nothing like two chicks selling lemonade, huh ? "

" Nnnnn..."

" Go on. Make your move, honeybun. "

She pushed him on top of the stand. He scrambled to sit up, panting like a sick puppy. The dark-haired girl scooted closer to him, pulling his loose hairs back. Heavy scents of cinnamon rolls and gingerbread rushed around him. Swirlies attempted to claim his eyes, and his skin suddenly felt as if it was heavy and on fire. Nothing could feel better than this, but once again he was proven wrong as the girl yanked on his collar. Before he could respond, a long wet tongue entered his mouth and down the throat. All Jiraiya could do was moan in bliss. This was the best kiss ever.

And then it ended, and she spoke in a cold hiss. " Hope you liked it,_ honeybun. _"

" Oro-Oro-Orochi-_AAAAAAAH !_ "

* * *

Sarutobi huffed on his cigarette and sighed. They were worthless, every single one of them. It was times like these that made him regret achieving the role of sensei. Women in skimpy bikinis should have been catering jumbo shrimp and sake to him. Life sucked.

He strolled down the unpaved roads and approached a lemonade stand. A bell in his head struck and reminded him that the last lemonade he wad wasn't made of lemons at all. This stand reminded him of that last one, except something was making a muffled sound. It was only until someone tapped him on the shoulder that he noticed a white set of hair. " Old man peeper ? "

" Close, Sensei. "

A hand reached for the back of his hair and slammed his head into the lemonade sign. Sarutobi stood conscious for about five seconds before he slid down next to Jiraiya, tied up in rope. Orochimaru came out from the shadows and smirked. " For once you spoke the truth. That was the best mission we've had in some time. "

He wiped off the mascara from his eyes. Tsunade stuck out her tongue. " Told ya. That'll teach them to mess with feminine energy. But are you sure you're okay with frenching Jiraiya ? I mean, I know you're as curvy as curvy gets, but he's so damn unattractive. "

" I've been through worse, believe me. You'll have to show me the place where you get the mascara, Tsunade. I like it. "

" No prob. Anytime. "

They shook hands on it, and later Orochimaru would be named one of the sickest criminals ever. Nevertheless, it was how the legendary Sannin rolled, and the sky wasn't even the limit.

End


End file.
